Half-Way There!

I can't believe it's been the 10th of February since my last post.  It seems life doesn't stop when you have a child in Boot that you are constantly thinking about, especially when you've got a high school senior to take care of here! ;)

I have to say, things are going well.  I miss Tim terribly, but I am getting these amazing letters from him.  All very uplifting and positive.  When I run to the box to get the mail, I always get that little flutter in my stomach, especially when inside I find a very thin, small white envelope with my name on it.  Those are my very favorite days.  Because even if it's not a "good" letter, it's a connection with him.  But since I've only had one "bad" letter, I feel I am blessed. 

Plans are beginning, even if only in my mind still of flying out, getting a hotel, and that "welcome home" party that I know he's looking forward to.

I wonder about what he's going to look like and how his mannerisms will have changed the next time I see him.  Of course, he's going to look like my Tim, but he'll be more "buff" and tone; he'll carry himself in a different way; and for a while when he sits down to eat a meal, he'll eat it as if it where his last, I'm sure. ☺ I'm looking forward to seeing "this" Tim.  I'm looking forward to getting to know him better.  You may be thinking, what the heck???  But the letters I have been receiving are showing this beautiful transformation into the person I'd always wanted him to be: positive, motivated, have a can-do/will-do attitude. He always had it in him - this I knew - but now he's getting it drawn out of him in a way I never could have done in my whole life.  This is such a life-changing experience for both of us.

I can't wait to hug and hold him and tell him how damn proud I am of him and the path he's chosen.  I am not a war person or a military person for that matter.  My dad served in Vietnam, as most; my uncles also served; Tim's dad was also in the Army.  but I don't consider myself a military person or from a hard core military family or background.  I never stressed this to him when he was growing up, but it would always come up now and again with him.  I always forgot about it, because I never thought he would honestly choose this path.  And believe me, being how I am with my thoughts and feelings about war, listening to stories of men and women who have fought, ans so on, I didn't want him to endure pain or have these visions in his head that he'll never shake.  Yes, I know! But it's me, being a protective mother.  As I told the recruiter when we were having our first visit - I've already lost his dad. I will NOT lose my boy too.  And Tim and I fought and fought over him going in.  That's the real reason it took him so long to do it - he was only honoring my wishes...and he was miserable and he was being drug down a path to nowhere.  Finally, I had to let him go.  Now it was time for me to honor HIS wish.  And I have, and I haven't looked back and MY whole mindset has changed.  I'm still not a war person, but I have always and will always continue to support our troops in all cases.  Funny how you think of things differently when you're tossed in a situation.  Funny how you fight it and fight it, only to be shown, when you surrender that it was probably the best thing to do from the beginning.

Oh, life, you are so "funny" at times....

Almost to Phase Two

Today was a tough day for me.  Tim's letter was one of the few "rainbows" that I had.  It was just one of those "crap days" that you run around, get nothing accomplished, and think "I could really be doing something productive rather than (fill in the blank)".
I was so so happy when I saw his handwriting on the envelope - yay!  But then hesitation.  Last time he wrote me, it wasn't a very positive one.  Well, it was, but not in a "tim" kinda way....and I read it in the car as soon as I got it.  I was thinking - Should I do it again?  Hell yes!!! ☺  I ripped into that baby and relished every word, every smiley face, every "haha" that it had inside.  He's very excited that they are almost moved into Phase Two!!  That's great!!  One day closer to becoming a Marine.  One day closer to graduation.

Yes, he's having challenges.  That's expected.  Yes, he's missing home.  That too, is expected.  But as the day went on, and my frustrations grew and everything just went crazy - definitely opposite of the way I wanted it to go.  This was, as me and a couple of girlfriends call it, a Blue Moon kind of day.  I couldn't wait to get situated in the house, and sit down and reread Tim's letter a couple of times, then write him answering every bit of what he said.  It's stuck in the envelope ready to go out tomorrow....

But golly, shwew!!!  I find myself "dwelling" today.  And you know as well as I do, that I can't be doing that.  Part of it was the "crap friggin day" - part of it was that NOTHING went my way - part of it was that as I relaxed tonight, I grabbed some wine, cut up some veggies, and read and wrote letters to my Tim. 

I know I'm going to have these days where I miss his smile, his giggle.  And I find myself thinking "You damn Drill Instructors better not take my boy completely away (((as tears stream down my face now))).  My sweet sweet tender hearted boy.  My boy that loves animals and cried to me when his "buddy" was put down at the animal rescue site he worked at while he was doing his community service.  My boy that loves to share funny videos and stories with me.  My boy that has this most amazing smile.  My boy that will be such a wonderful father one day.

As he grows into the Marine he will soon be and go through the trials and tribulations of an American Soldier, I pray to Jesus that He keep Tim safe, his mind mentally free of "bad things", and that he stay, even as a man, a little bit of that baby boy that I hold so dear to my heart.

Whooooo....what a tough day.  No more dwelling.

Until next time....